Feature: Emotional regulation

Let’s pick an emotion: fear. In some situations, fear is very useful. If you can’t swim well and you go to the beach on holiday but the sea is very rough, the fear says, ‘Keep safe, don’t go into the sea today.’ In other situations, is it not useful at all. Maybe you fear what other people will think about you if you say something wrong, so you never give your opinion in team meetings.

Being able to determine when an emotion is useful and to act on the emotion − or when it is not useful, deciding that we should not act on it − is part of emotional regulation.

Emotional regulation has been defined as ‘the process by which individuals influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express their feelings’.

Here are some tips to help you get better at being the boss of your emotions:

• Notice the impact of uncontrolled emotions − We all sometimes get overwhelmed by emotions, for instance in a moment of joy, excitement, disappointment or anger. That’s normal. But you want to take a look at what emotions may regularly get out of control and the impact this is having on your relationships, work or wellbeing.
• Name the emotion − Getting better at identifying what you feel is a critical skill. Instead of saying ‘I feel bad’, dig a bit deeper – do you feel anxious, frustrated, irritated, guilty, ashamed? Accurately naming an emotion helps you to know what you’re dealing with, which makes managing the emotion a little easier.
• Accept your emotions − Too often I hear people saying ‘I shouldn’t feel this way’. You feel what you feel! Yes, you shouldn’t act on every feeling, but there is no should or shouldn’t when it comes to what you feel. Accepting what you are feeling without judgement allows you to get on with the job of managing your feelings effectively rather than spending time reflecting on them.
• Cognitive reappraisal: reframing thoughts − Great movie directors can create emotion by framing a shot in a particular way. We only see what the director wants us to see and the camera is positioned in such a way that a particular message is conveyed. Shot from a different angle, the ‘feel’ of the scene changes. We need to be directors of our thoughts and re-frame them to help us change what we are feeling. For example, rather than saying ‘I can’t do this work, it is too hard’ say ‘I will try my best to do this and will ask someone if I need help’. Reframing thoughts helps to change intense emotional reactions, which in turn leads to more helpful actions and behaviour.

Author
Dr Kirsten van Heerden, Performance Psychologist,
Newton Sports Agency